So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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