I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
