They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Mom said you looked used
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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