Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Best friends brother. Beat that.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
