I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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