4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
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