You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
