i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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