The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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