see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
