there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
