Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
