I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
