just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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