I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
