Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
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