two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
