The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
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