She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
