We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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