You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
