how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
