I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
