Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
