I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Randomize
