My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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