I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
