onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
