I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
