Christians are straight up FREAKS
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
