I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
