i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
