I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
