I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
