I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
