i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize