My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
