I could make wine with my vomit
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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