This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
