I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
