I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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