Can i not drive my cunt home
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
