Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
