Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i dont even know how to be here
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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