did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
