Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
