I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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