I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I wish you could order shots online.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
