I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
