im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
